St. Paddy's Hangover Levels
Understanding Your Employees' Hangover Level It's the day after St. Patrick's Day morning, almost everybody's late for their shift, again. Knowing what level hangover your staff is suffering can help you determine whether or not they, or you, (like you have a choice) should be serving your "church crowd". Let's take a look inside the heads of your hungover staff:
*One Star Hangover No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you're able to function relatively well. However, you're still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You're craving a chili-cheese coney and a side of gravy fries. You might as well work. There'll probably be some dead food to graze on.
**Two Star Hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a 2 ounce ladle. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. You can work but you should beg your manager to let you make a breakfast run before the store opens.
***Three Star Hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive and praying to be cut early. Everytime you walk by a female guest you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random Jaeger shots you did with your alcoholic buddies after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen jelly donuts and a meatball hero watching Spongebob. You've had 4 cups of Catch a Buzz coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Red Bulls and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew Code Red, yet amazingly you haven't peed once. If your manager's smart, you'll work in a non-guest-contact capacity.
****Four Star Hangover Life sucks. Your head is throbbing (Wow, the Muzak is cranked today!). You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore yesterday's uniform, which you pulled out of the backseat of your car. And you can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding horseback.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair looks like you fell into the bar blender. If you are able to work, DON'T taste-test the seafood gumbo!
*****Five Star Hangover AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the guests still waiting in the lobby to be seated. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in a futile attempt to get the remnants of the dog crap fairy's visit out. Your body seems to have lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you as it sticks to the roof of your mouth. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only reason you're at work is to avoid the not-so-cute stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
******Six Star Hangover Otherwise known as "Damn, I'm unemployed!" You wake up on your bathroom floor...never a good sign. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking last night, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you what seemed like a month's worth of Cuban cigars, and you smoked them like a side of babyback ribs. Eventually you manage to look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock!" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "Scooby Doo" pajamas and slippers. You need to end your love affair with the toilet and start calling around to see if you can pay someone (Anyone!) to cover your shift so you don't have to start filling out applications...tomorrow.
posted by shadow @ 3/18/2006
7 Comments:
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," the waiter said.
I was rather impressed. Then I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why have that string right there?"
"Not everyone is as observant as you," the waiter replied. "That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the gents." "How so?" I asked. "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and, that way, eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked. "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
just a little more humor. hope you enjoyed it.
we need a little to chuckle about. thanks
Did anyone else smell alcohol on Laura Friday night?
I saw how she looked sunday nite. Hungover or been crying-too rough to be out front
I smelled it too.
If we can smell it, so can the guests.
I got right in her face when she first got there and I couldn't smell it. Get over it already.
Maybe if you all payed this much attention to your customers you could make a decent tip....try it and see what happens. Wow what a concept!
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